Behavioral Management

Providing Discipline

Uh-oh here we go...

The ugly part of parenting is here. One of the worst moments of parenting arises during the time you have to set limits and boundaries. These moments don't warrant good responses from our children. It's important to know that children need a balance of both love and limits. And those 2 words, although used separately, often time overlap. Setting limits is also a way for children to know we love them. Setting limits keeps are children safe and reassures "us" that children understand self-control. It's okay to want to place boundaries because we know what's best, or just as a response to a simple annoying temper tantrum. Setting boundaries allows for the parent/child relationship to be one of trust and security. Of course that sounds easy. But the task of setting limits or giving a consequence is much more difficult. It's both the frustration of a high pitched cry, or simply saying “no” and following through. It's all complicated, it can be challenging, and it often leads to feeling unsuccessful.

The best way to accomplish any task when it comes to raising children is the concept of "consistency". Consistency and structure is vital during the difficult moments. Kids enjoy habits, they feel better when they know exactly what to expect next. For children, it's the fear of trying something once that initially is terrifying and then realizing after the 10th time it's actually okay and is unavoidable. What we tell children when we keep things the same, is that they can feel stability. This assures children that their environment doesn't change. This does not mean that routines won't vary from time to time, because they will. But when parents say "no" to touching the hot stove, the answer will always be no. And for children that is an essential part of their development.

Structure allows children to follow routines and ease into transitions. If you ever noticed in any classroom you visit there is always a chart of some sort that is a visual reminder for children to know what their day will consist of. This is done purposely to help children stay on task, more importantly so they are aware of expectations. For very young children we see time rituals for sleep, eating, playing, etc. It's all about keeping time and expectations being met. This transpires into adult hood, as we also have to keep schedules (ESPECIALLY PARENTS). This all ties into the concept of discipline because the more we can prepare kids, and help them with consistency, stability, and structure we can decrease meltdowns that result in a consequence.

Time Out vs. Spankings

I know that some of us were raised where "spankings" were the only form of discipline. And I am not here to tell you that it was wrong. I will simple state as an early childhood mental health professional the pros and cons, and why I promote the use of time out. Spankings offer an instant reaction for parents. Some parents see this as a bonus because it takes care of the problem immediately. Children start to fear the use of pain and begin to comply out of fear. So I definitely understand why some caregivers go to that route. But does it truly offer any sort of teaching moment. What I mean by this is that spanking teaches a child that we react by hitting when frustrated. Another concern with spankings is the emotional reaction it creates for the adult. Are we hitting our child because our fuse is so thin we become reactive? Are we spanking when our patience runs thin, and we tell our minds nothing else will fix it? Think of how you feel when you spank. Make sure it comes from a place of safety. Meaning make sure it is always appropriate, if that makes sense. 

Now "time out" is not very immediate. It takes tons of time and patience to teach a child to stay in a spot and think about their choices. But what "time out" does offer is a time for your child to learn how to calm down their own bodies by giving a time for the heart rate to decrease. When we place children in time out, it allows the child to learn how to take care of themselves. Kids begin to understand that when they get upset, mad, or simply can't get their way, they are allowed to have a reaction but it doesn't warrant the attention from the caregiver. Another benefit of using time out is that children begin to learn what gets their parents attention. Children are attention seekers regardless if it's from showing negative or positive behavior. What we give attention to is often what we see the child exhibit.  For example, have you ever had to say no a million times, only to get the same response? It's because in those moments our children are getting the best of us. Try ignoring your child during those moments, and see if it results in a different behavior. So if we can begin to show a child that negative behavior warrants no attention, and positive behavior warrants praise. Guess what we will see more of, THE POSITIVE!!

Just a little more.....

1. Always start with ignoring. Literally ignore your child when they are whining, crying, or have been told no but refuse to accept it. Walk out the room, talk to a friend on the phone, begin a hobby, but just don't entertain it. This is so hard to do, because we want to say a million things. I've learned as a parent to pick my battles.

2. A cool way to extend "time out" as a way to increase childhood development is to offer "calm down" activities in the time out space you use. I place bubbles, books, a squishy toy, etc. This is a tool to use to decrease the heart rate. Allow deep breathes, or something sensory based to allow your child's body to calm down so they are more rational. The recovery is faster!

3. Try to use the same time out spot in the home. Make sure it is not the same place they sleep, so they don't associate time out with sleeping. Make sure the spot lacks distractions, and that it is safe. 

4. Time the time out. I place 1 minute for every year of age. 2 years old=2 minutes. Of course they may not even stay for that long. But be repetitive by physically helping them stay or putting them back in the spot.

5. Don't over talk. The punishment is placing them in time out. No child can listen or rationalize when they are upset. Don't begin a speech about what they should have done. Simply state the reason and place them in the spot. Trust me they will get the point.

6. Adjust for older children. Time out for older children can simply mean taking a break to go think about their actions and repair. Kennedy, 8, after a few moments will apologize because she knows she was wrong (empathy). If I threaten a consequence, such as no company, or no television, then it is exactly that. What mommy says goes. Now there is always room for compromising. I try not to argue, but if she can logically state her case, I'm always down to listen. As parents the follow through is key (consistency, structure, limits).

7. After you impose a consequence start from a clean state. No holding grudges or punishing all day because of one moment. Let your child know that behavior is redeemable, and the consequence doesn't last forever. 

Let's Practice

My go to guide is as follows....this chart allows you to understand the cycle of time out. I promise you if you resort to this every time, your child will begin to decrease the amount of defiance. This provides your child with an environment of safety and consistency. Ultimately you as an adult decide what type of discipline strategies to use in the comforts of your home. I have seen my share fair of child abuse cases to know that time out is just an overall safe strategy. And that is not stating that those who choose spanking are abusers. The point is that we are teaching children that hitting is never okay, and there are more effective ways to get what you need.

 

Remember that most children, rather you are using spankings or time out loves you just the same. Your child wants to please you, but it is natural for our children to be in need of discipline. This is how children learn right from wrong, how to follow rules, and respect authority. We aren't born with the understanding of how and why we see the world the way it is. Children's brains develop in connection with the experiences parents expose them to. So always remember when you are considering how to use discipline, remember the messages you are sending and how you want those to be remembered.  

 

Effective "Chart" Making

BEhavior Charts, reward charts, chore charts, potty charts just to name a few....

It's great that parents come up with many different ways to get our kids to comply with our rules. One way we do this is by creating a chart that is a visual reminder for kiddos to stay on task, or be motivated to do whatever it is we are requesting. Little Johnny goes to his room and the first thing he notices is his chart, and boom "magic" he does what is displayed and gets his sticker or candy, right? Wrong!! 

Online forums will tell you to make a list of all required task or chores you want done, and all day the child is to follow to your expectation to get the reward. Well this is not totally wrong, but can be totally unrealistic. How challenging is it to be perfect all day as a 5 year old? Even I as an adult cannot stay on task, or follow all orders requested by my boss daily. Sometimes as parents I believe we forget how young our child's mind can be, and how immature the brain functions. We expect for them to comply, 99% of the time, with little room for error. This can be a major set up for the child to fail, and increase stress on the parent. Well I am here to tell you we all have had it wrong. Allow me to share some effective tips when creating any type of chart that will increase the behavior you are seeking, all while making your child motivated to do so. 

Daddy Wells using a "chart" to go over letters and numbers. Charts work...learn how

Daddy Wells using a "chart" to go over letters and numbers. Charts work...learn how

Chart Making Tips

1. ONE behavior at a time-This is the most effective tool of them all! Very challenging because most parents lump a lot of behaviors together. As parents we place every negative behavior on a chart, and tell Johnny if he doesn't do all those negative behaviors he can get a reward. For a child this can be overwhelming. It's just too much, and so when they fail at one they are not encouraged to do the others. I would start by thinking about your child's most challenging behavior, the behavior that is primary to the others or drives the others. For instance when Kennedy was in preschool she would bite and hit. For me biting was more "bad" then hitting. The goal is to focus on one, fizzle the chart out, and work on another. The child is empowered to complete the next task because they feel good about completing the first. If you're really effective, the most challenging behavior, if tackled, will diminish the others.

2. Positive Reinforcement-When you label the chart, use a title or word of the behavior you "want" to see. This is like the red button in the elevator. You're told not to press the red button and somehow it makes you want to touch it more. Stating what you would like to see, makes it easy for the child to follow. Example: When I tell Karter "no throwing", she immediately throws. But if I say "calm hands", she shows me her calm hands. This takes practice. Before creating the chart think about the behavior you want to see "more" of. Begin using it in your everyday conversation so your child understands what it is you're asking of them. So for a kid who doesn't listen, I would place "listening ears" on the top of the chart. "No hitting" change to "gentle hands", kids who scream "soft voice". Again this encourages them to succeed because they know exactly what mommy/daddy is expecting. It feels positive and promising.

3.  Small and Simple-Make the steps incredibly small and simple. I really like to allow my kids to feel like they can do it. Great to help build your child's self esteem! It can be tough to follow a rule all day. Notice the times your child negative behavior increases or is most present. So if your child screams more in the afternoon, simplify your chart only focusing on the 3 hour period in the afternoon and reward with a sticker every half hour. I love to do this for homework time at my house. Kennedy loves to complain after school about homework, even though she knows she has to do it. Her chart is labeled "Positive homework vibes"- the behavior I want to see. I created a chart that marks off 4p-6p, 30 min increments. Every 30m that Kennedy displays "positive homework vibes" she places a check mark. The more specific the better. Again be realistic, once the child has mastered a few hours you can continue to increase, and increase, until it is no longer needed.

NOTE: if your child can earn 6 stickers/checks/etc during the allotted time, I would not expect for them to get all 6 to get the reward. You know your child best. If your child is very defiant, start small allowing them to earn 2 stickers. This increases there motivation to want to strive for more.  Rule of thumb is to cut in half, and increase the challenge as you see them increase the behavior. This is the same for weekly rewards. Kids need to have a since of pride,"Mom I can do it, so I want to do it more" (hopefully).

4. Daily and Weekly-Make daily and weekly rewards. This is pretty self explanatory. Children NEED instant gratification. No way can a child wait until Friday for an accomplishment produced Monday. Similar to a dog, when he does the trick/goes to the potty we reward right after to encourage them to do it again. Daily rewards can be simple and no cost at all. Ex. Stay up 15 minutes past bedtime, read an extra story at bedtime, extra electronic time, etc. Most importantly allow your child to help you come up with rewards. Nothing is more painful then rewarding your child with something they don't like. This is the easiest way to lose the child's interest. Should you go out and purchase expensive toys, NOT AT ALL!  The point is to increase something they already enjoy. Weekly rewards can be low cost. Be creative and practical. 

IDEA: Together me and Kennedy made a list of fun inexpensive rewards she would like. Ex: Special play dates, pick her favorite meal for dinner, $1 Target section greatness, etc. We placed in a box, and she had the ability to pick out a reward weekly. Super fun craft idea as well (have the child design the box to their liking)!

5. No Double Consequences-Do not mix rewards with punishment. If your child does not do the task, they simply don't get the reward. Double consequences is never a good idea. Again this gives the child little motivation to start over. I love positive reinforcement. Kids know when they are bad, they rarely are praised for being good. Everyday is a new day to start over. Never allow the frustration from the previous day impact the child's ability the next.

6. Fizzle Out-Lastly! Gradually decrease rewards with social acceptance. Children are creatures of habit. After a few weeks/months of heavy rewards for a specific behavior soon it will become part of their routine. Just be aware of how much your child is motivated by the reward, and make sure it's more focused on accomplishing the behavior. Praise them heavily, continue to make a big deal out of it when they do it, but don't offer a reward. You can then begin your new behavior/task you want to work on.

Final Thoughts

We are all motivated by something. Adults work hard to get rewards out of life. This is the same for children. Some parents argue kids should do what's told simply because they don't have a choice. This is all well and good, but it's just not true. They do have a choice, and if they choose "no" each time, you are then left frustrated, and non effective. We are raising children in a different generation. Advertisements are heavy, and the need for gratification has increased. Allow this to work in your favor. In the end it will save you from lots of stressful moments. And at the end of the day, you're the one who really won!

FYI: All resources below we're found on Pinterest! Click my Pinterest link to see some of my favorite charts to use!