How I wanted to be happy, how I wanted to be excited. But somehow the only feeling I felt was sadness and guilt. Could it be that I was ungrateful, or that this new baby wasn't good enough?
After months of telling myself I was going to let go of the feeling of wanting another baby, it remained a constant on my mind. After losing Angel K (Baby #3), I erased all my ovulation apps, told my husband we were done trying and told myself it was time to heal from the inside out. But after months of trying to convince myself that I was enough, I still couldn't fill the void of losing a child. Angel K was all I could think about. Was it a boy or girl? What would he/or she look like? And even the bad thoughts. Am I getting too old? Is it my eggs have depleted? Was I not healthy enough to conceive? The thoughts consumed me, and maybe it was just Angel K telling me to try again, and that if I wanted true completion of healing it would be conquering my fears and moving past the pain.
So I tried to do just that. I repurchased my ovulation app, told my husband I was ready. But this time I wanted it to be different. I didn't want it to feel robotic or on purpose. I wanted for me and my husband to fall in love all over again, and in that act make another baby. I did just that. Missed my period, and instead of feeling happy, I felt far removed. Does anyone ever talk about the postpartum anxiety and depression that comes after losing a child? I felt the sadness all over me. Went to the bathroom non stop fearing I was bleeding, or convincing myself after having no symptoms for weeks that it just wasn't true. I didn't share the news with anyone except my husband, who I ask not share his excitement with me. I was in big denial, and I realized that the trauma was overwhelming me.
So I set my first appointment, hoping it would ease my anxiety. Switched doctors to a black female who I was hoping would fuel more encouragement and support. Ask my husband to skip out on coming, because if the doctor said there was no heart beat, I didn't want to invoke the pain in him. I went in and laid across the table, bottom naked, butt up, ready for the instrument to bring on the bad news. The last time I was in this room, my baby died inside of me. Doctor confirmed the pregnancy, said all the parts were there, and that the chance of miscarriage at this point was less than 5%. Although she wanted me to feel at ease, I still couldn't believe it.
I continue to push past the pain. Told myself that God saw fit for me to have this baby. I also started to feed myself positive thoughts to overshadow my doubt. I wanted to move, I couldn't stand the thought of me not regaining my happy place. Not forgetting Angel K, but to use her death as a way to inspire my love for my new blessing. I believe that the universe will stretch you out as far as possible to only put you back together again, this is what I call spiritual balance. I had stretched myself out so much that I told myself I couldn't recover. And in those most weakest moments, God blessed me with redemption.
So here I stand. Blessed with Baby #4, grateful for moments that remind me of my perseverance and strength. Crying tears of joy for Angel K, who taught me so much about myself, and overjoyed that I will be adding to my beautiful family. Angel K has taught me that we are never prepared for life, we have to take it's highs and lows, and when experiencing the lows reach for something higher. There is recovery after lost, there is healing after death. Doesn't mean we forget what the heart holds, but that we remember what the heart is capable of feeling.
I can't wait to meet you new baby, and I'll see you again Angel K!
If you or anyone you know suffers from trauma, postpartum anxiety, and/or depression you are not alone. Always remember that you are validated, you are allowed to feel and that help is out there.